So we managed our step count by walking to Rock to see my friend’s shop and eat Devon Dairy ice cream before hotly walking back. Lots of people coming over to Rock on the small ferry to find – nothing much to spend their pennies on so they go back again having littered the small lanes with pasty bodies and fed up children. Apparently a friend’s dog jumped on the ferry by itself and then waited on the other side for frantic owners to come and collect it. 

A well earned rest and read of books while the sun steadily shone on our upturned apple cheeks. Then horror as Friend said we needed to squeeze into dreaded telly tubby suits and go surfing. 

Hysterical contortions followed while modesty skirt bunched up around my neck and plastic bags were applied instead of lubricant to get my body into said item of torture. Off in the car sitting stiffly, when arrived at beach we both took off our glasses rending me absolutely blind. Staggered our way down to the shore ready to be tossed by massive rollers only to find they was piddlin and small! We waited with a group of cheeky young boys who kept shouting mind the jelly fish lady. And we waited. No waves were forthcoming and apparently this is very rare. So all that effort for not much.  We managed to bob about for a bit and I tried to sit on my board with no success, we were very happy and very warm. So returned for a shower and drinks.

We had great fun making films, or rather Friend of many years kindly and patiently filmed me walking away and then showed me how to make that into a film with noise effects etc. I do so love to learn a new skill and this will give me many hours of entertainment but the point is that it will hopefully be useful for my new career. 

I feel wary of posting this early as we may yet have another neighbour knock at the door requesting help with the discovery of a missing granny or interpreting a stranger with alzheimers found wandering.  After all Cornwall has many ancient secrets and there may be all kinds of energies at work around us.

Supper is ready – delicious pork tenderloin avec mange touts – not cooked by me!

 Rodney! Yum!!

What a jolly thing it is to travel with a friend and chat away putting the world to rights as you drive along. We arrive at the home of mutual friends for a slap up meal and more chatter. So much so in fact that the husband feels it necessary to retire with his paper. All goes well until the dogs must be let out for their evening business when we discover a group of hornets begging to be let into the house. Squealing we retreat and our host goes in search of the Raid. Pandemonium ensues when someone opens the wrong door allowing two Lancaster Bombers in the rest of the house. Friend One grabs small dog and makes a very hasty retreat to her bedroom, Friend Two is left with the broom and the spray to fend them off. I dive quietly into my own room where I shut the door and windows and ears to the bashing sounds. All fine until my rather weak bladder lets me down in the middle of the night and I tiptoe very gingerly in case there are bodies to step upon.

Next day we set off armed with blackberries and figs and hangovers to drive to Cornwall. Bank holiday Monday is the perfect day to arrive as the traffic is going the other way. We meet Friend one’s offspring and small springy dog on the beach where we are presented with delicious Cornish pasties. Perfect. As we sit and chat and watch people a boat drives purposefully towards us and then magically produces wheels from within whence it proceeds to drive onto the beach and up to its mooring.  The wonderfully Poldarkian house above us on the cliff is apparently owned by friends of said offspring who bounce up and greet the Captain. All great fun. The young then leave and we wend our way to our delightful caravan. Great comfort and a truly familiar feeling of seaside relaxation, dogs, sandy shoes, beer, wet towels and supper cooking with glowing faces. Just lovely.

Well my goodness, sometimes you wake in the morning and think well today will be a quiet day so we can take our time and chill. CuppaT and weatybangs digested we set off in the car.  Arrive at another beach, really stunning and reminds me of the Gower. We sit on damp sand and eat pasties and endeavour to read books which we never read as we are either chatting or watching the sea. So I gird my magnificent loins and set off with modesty-skirt and flowery cap into the sea. Oh how marvellous! Really strong and buffety waves, my idea of lovely. I laugh at the sheer happiness of it. Much refreshed I realise how far the under tow has taken me over and short sightedly make my way back to loyal friend with small dog waiting on the shore.  Later we walk back for icecream and buy some fresh fish at the delicious and extremely well stocked fish shop.

Sitting outside the caravan with a cup of tea my energetic friend expresses a need to complete her steps target. No rest for the wicked and no reading of book which I bought for the title – rather apt – How to Kill Your Family, it appeals!! We bring our beer with us and sit on the minute private beach. “No one ever comes here” says she as footsteps are heard behind and a long legged, wet suited, lean machine of a male with an orange skull cap marches past and into the sea. Not much conversation but that the birds are interesting! He disappears into the far distance with just and orange dome and two elbow shaped handles.  Next to come past are five serene swans, a flock of oyster catchers and ten canoeists leisurely weaving their way up stream. Eventually man returns and tells us he managed 1.2k and now needs to go and make tea, he walks past and up the cliff in bare feet. We struggle up behind him imagining we are also going back for well deserved food however the Gods have other plans.

As we arrive at the top we hear a distressed woman calling mounfully from her caravan so both run in slow motion to the resucue.  Having got inside there is a bit of a blood bath as the poor thing has been having a nose bleed for the last four hours and is all alone.  I leap at the poor thing and pinch her nose with my long fingers not even introducing myself. Holding her there she then says she feels sick.  Well I shall spare you dear reader from the details, suffice to say there are gallons of dark red stuff to be dealt with. We step up to the task and eventually ring for advice from on call doctors.  She should go to hospital but doesn’t want to so we stay to stem the tide. Finally we leave her feeling considerably better and return to our fish stew which I try not to notice is cooked in red tomato sauce, actually it is delicious and we crack open another bottle as we hear screeching of tyres as her hubby arrives back.

Tomorrow apparently we are going paddle boarding, I feel that as a virgin and very clumsy paddle boarder I will be getting wet! Luckily I am happiest in the sea!

Very relieved tonight to hear that Child one, J and smallest person are back from great holiday in Italy after 12 hour drive. Exhausted but happy. Childs 2&3 are similarly very happy with father, so all is well. 

Having lunch with girl friends, or coffee and cake is one of the joys in life. Talking to a wise old friend of mine today about what makes us happy we both agreed this. But then you stop and think about it – unquestionably for me children, friends and family, wine and all those other things you fill in on your dating websites. To create that well which we can tap into again and again, to form those neural pathways so many times that like Pavlov’s dogs, we conjure seratonin and dopamine instantly. Wouldn’t that be great and apparently we can all do it.  

Talking to a much loved cousin later about some of life’s more challenging bumps in the road we both managed to find some humour and mutual support and came away with a smile and a promise of future meetings with vittals. 

Getting back to my day to day shenanigans, the challenges have been rather more hormonal and teenage. I refer to myself. I found myself leaving the house and jumping in the car in tears to run to a friend’s house. Both nasty little teenagers had turned on me and sharper than a serpent’s tooth ganged up and what did I do? Reason it out – no – run!  Hey ho! Sometimes we are as Child 3 refers to me – “dotty” with two silent T’s. 

Tensions are bound to be a bit up and down when we are living in dad’s house without dad but with mum who is not normally in this house and anyway the testosterone coming from Child 3 is visible in its dominance. It will be a great person this person, it is already very special and entirely has its heart in the right place but like the incredible hulk, the roaring also needs to come out.

Today however, was a calm day, the hulk was sleeping and we had a pleasant time chatting. So pleasant indeed that I suggested we go to a cafe for a treat. “Not unless they have happy hippo loo seats” came back the reply from a lofty height.  Once I finished laughing we played make believe Twister until he needed to return to X box where he endeavoured to explain the urgent need not to be killed otherwise he would lose money! Go figure!

Menawhile Child 2 who had a full on session with a tutor then was driven to see ‘friend’ in nearby town. This would all be easy except for the fact that the planners in their wisdom, have decided to do road workings to north, south, east and west of my hometown. The whole place is gridlocked. Finally getting out, dropping of Child 2 and returning, I needed to pick up a prescription. Oh hardy ha ha! Once I had parked the car and beaten old ladies out of the way to my place in the Q to be told there was no prescription ready, I returned to my car abandoned 5 miles out of town and rang the GP surgery. “What do you mean?” Said I politely as instructed by automated voice “you cannot find said prescription when I brought it in a week ago and personally handed it to avatar at the counter. So” says I smiling “will you be able to produce it by tomorrow morning as I need medication to stop me turning into Mrs Hulk and it is a BANK HOLIDAY WEEKEND?” “I don’t know but you could try again tomorrow morning” you bet your sweet ass i will try tomorrow morning as I am then going on holiday for a week and my fellow campers will not like me! 

So yes, I am going to lovely Cornwall – the real one this time. A gorgeous friend I have known since we were both in the womb has kindly invited me down. However she gave me a brief list of things to bring including, shock horror! A wet suit. She being the size of a very elegant chive, does not get that we telly tubbies do not look at our very best when squoze into a rubber suit.  All those good intentions to run up and down the hills have not come to fruition and the very thought makes me wheeze, So being the child of many a chilly early morning swim in British waters, I shall go armed with my flowery hat and some goose bumps. Actually it is going to be great. 

Ex hub is back tomorrow so I am cleaning floors and ovens in anticipation, contents of fridge are colour coded and he will never find anything in cupboards again. Hopefully he will be armed with an Italian white and we will not notice. Last night to watch scary sci fi madness with 2&3 so off I go with my cushion .

Quick PS, last night watching a little something on my own at the end of the evening and a beastie of gigantic proportions with elbows and eyes and fangs scuttled towards me. Cushion thrown I let out a shrill little cry and retired hastily to bed. Hopefully not to be repeated…….

So yesterday was eventful. I went to church where I pledged to care for Cornwall! Interesting typo from the vicar. I had to stand in front of the congregation and vow to look after their fabric and fundamentals but the printed off version I was reading from suddenly tripped me up. My fellow church warden and I ground to a halt and the vicar announced it was Siri’s fault.  Reestablished order and continued with aplomb. Candles blown out and doors shut, I returned to sleepy teenagers. 

My little grasshopper with huge eyes overwhelmed by still mountains of work to do. I am so disappointed at the school for making these children have exams in their first week back in September. Why? The whole summer holiday is overhung with guilt if you’re  not working and fear that you are not doing enough. I could go on.!  Tears and cuddles and listening later, we take a break and make an English fry up which we eat in front of Tv. Lovely.  

Have to take my new bathroom tiles back to the very expensive shop as apparently every one is cracking on the glaze as they come out of the box. You can hear them, like rice krispies. Great!

Just back from hairdresser 4 hours later, I look a bit like a pheasant but at least there is no grey! Hurray! My unruly waves are smooth and elegant, I look like someone else in the mirror. Need my friend V to take a photo for the new website as i am looking sleek and done. 

A very pleasant evening with my babes, watching from behind a cushion something unsuitable for adults. Eating homemade guacamole and tortilla chips and making a mess. Very productively having got rid of mountains of unwanted clothing from Child 2’s overstuffed floordrobe. Child The Last one next! Then spoke to my new web designer about new website.  Great fun, need to create content and logo. 

Tuesday…

Quick dash to mine father this morning who is as always, willing and able to help out with tasks set. Appointment with optiican to demonstrate the need to walk in circles as one of my contact lens prescriptions is entirely wrong.

 Apparently they are not wrong, my brain just has to get used to the fact one eye is long and one is short! Drove home via Scotland!

Having bought the young ones a burger from the market in town and eventually got them home in polystyrene boxes, a large bluebottle flew out of one when doubting teenager lifted bun lid to peer inside. yuk! straight to dog – an expensive invader.

later – Teddy bear bottom uppermost as I clean the shower tray, I hear the welcome sound of the doorbell and delightful girlfriend arrives for hugs and laughter.

Well dear ones, it has been a couple of days of learning to negotiate around Ex hub’s house, he has gone on holiday with his finance to Italy so we are house sitting for a week.  Yesterday I turned on the grill by mistake and became engulfed in thick smoke, once I had opened all windows and doors and children had sleepily called to check all was alright, I wondered why the smoke alarms had not gone off. Looking up the answer was clear, not even smoke could penetrate the thick clogging of grime. Note to self: ask someone with authority to affirm the dangers to ex hub.

On a roll, decided to tackle the cleaning of the fridge. Well dear reader, you need a strong stomach to do your own let alone someone else’s! What is that slime that gathers at the source of the drain? How do the Aggies of this world enjoy cleaning absolutely rank houses for hoarders and others. Rubber gloves give you courage that’s for sure.  Thank you Mrs Marigold. You can see your face in the glass of the fridge now and the shelves are like a model’s gleaming white teeth grinning at you when you open the door.

Today is the bathroom’s turn. Ex hub is military in his tidiness and putting things away, but not so much the cleaning, the very opposite of me. Hmmm. 

The children are surviving this strange juxtaposition in their lives although child 3 does come out with the odd small but spiteful remark, very unlike him.  Child 2 meanwhile has finished dyeing hair yellow and last night it was dyed bright green. Needless to say it suits her, even if it is surprising every time you see her. Work and revision seems to elude her and it is hard to watch the daily struggle with the guilt and feelings of not knowing where to start. 

Well done all those who have just got exam results, no matter what they are, it was a Herculean effort given the circumstances of disrupted lessons and classes over the last two years.

So exciting, I have my first tentative booking as Civil Celebrant to do someone’s wedding. I am very grateful to them as until I have had a few under my belt I can’t reassure people to use me but if they are willing to take a punt then I gain experience. I shall bend over backwards to make the best experience I possibly can and may even be better than someone who has become a bit jaded and fed up.

Just opened the post and got my certificate- it’s official!

Does anyone else have that annoying problem where you get something out of the fridge and shut the door only to immediately need another thing but the door will not let you in?  No matter which swear words you use! 

Having cleaned the bathroom until you could eat in there, gone to see the wonderful work that M&P are doing on my home; put out three loads of washing to dry in the wind; picked raspberries and plums from the garden; I deserve my V&T – if the fridge would let me!   Feeling very cheerful and even daring to think we might be able to move before the 12 weeks are up. The green headed one is working (whisper hurrah); the last one is eating party rings but is cheerful and the dog is replete beside me as I get sloshed in the garden. Photos to follow…..

Work started yesterday, M&P turned up champing at the bit to get going, showed them coffee and biscuits and left them to it. Decided to go get some coffee and just as the cup reached my lips, had a text to say the kitchen is locked and they can’t turn off the water. So no coffee shop blooging for me that day.

Sorted; off to Child one, J and smallest. So exciting, singing all the way. Had proper granny session in the afternoon so parents could work. S on great form so had a really happy time. Torrential rain a bit of an issue as J has been fixing the roof so he was climbing up there in wind and wuthering making all secure. 

Child one and I went to theatre as treat for my birthday and very rare night out for her. Saw the touring production of Bat Out of Hell, young cast mostly with some absolutely brilliant performances.  The lovely voices and huge energy of the cast especially Strat were spectacular. I mouthed every word at the top of my voice but silently; “can’t you see my faded levis bursting apart” bringing back memories of Oxford streets late into the night. Everyone came out smiling and singing, totally loved it.  Forced poor child to come with me to stage door so I could continue the magic.

Wondering about life and paths taking different turns, stage school had my name on it but I never pursued.  Much later when auditioning for X Factor, I didn’t tell a sob story – obviously the one that got away!  Hey ho! Am Dram it is then.

Got back to find Child 2 had been to hairdresser and been shaved – not all over but apparently it will still be dyed green before school. Ex hub rather silent on the matter but we feel disapproval.

Child 3 had been sick in the night – for those who know National Velvet “I was sick all night”. Feeling peely wally still but getting better especially bouncy when mum not around for sympathy and compassion and squashiness.

Went and bought a very sensible lockable case to put important documents in to keep from Data Protection drones who may pass overhead and any other prying eyes. Had a nice time organising things into it, locked it, went out, came back – can’t open it. The lock and key are far too flimsy so will break with important things inside.  No alternative but to return to shop whence bought and get them to open it and return all my important things!! Quite annoying.

Cracking on with organising new website and business matters in a very important way, need nice photos of self – may have to speak to friend V with awesome camera. 

Ex hub out and I am cooking, ham in parsley sauce with roast veg in case anyone interested. Yum!

i’m so excited, and I just can’t hide it!

just had an email to tell me that I have passed my Civil celebrancy exams. I not only passed but got distinction so I am one proud bunny. I have been working away at this for 9 months doing online training, research and completing an exam at the end of each chapter. The final was really quite full on with the written word – quite a few of them – and recording myself to camera.

Now for designing a website and flyers and business cards and getting my name out there. Meg the Celebrant is ready to conduct your funerals, weddings, naming ceremonies, friendship ceremonies, pet ceremonies, sand ceremonies and anything else you can throw at me. I will dress up if you would like me to and just hope I don’t turn up to a funeral as a pink unicorn having got the date wrong. Methinks there may be some stories discreetly to be told.

Must go, off to meet a friend at the pub.

What a joy and a pleasure in Life it is to have lovely friends! Having taken one lovely friend out to lunch for her birthday I then drove to Shropshire to stay with my fab friends C & J (no kids) even better.  Having been together for quite a while now we need a healthy break. Driving along country lanes, wearing very little and wafting what I was wearing, singing loudly to surprised cows along the way, I battled the heat coming off the tarmac. I swear it was melting in places. 

Arrived to cool shade under a large tree in the garden with a daughter and grandaughter lying on a rug. How heavenly. Not only that but a cool glass of fizz was quickly pressed into my warm palm. Just delightful to be able to talk about everything with friends who know ones story so no need to explain. To hear their triumphs and woes and to shed tears together over the illness of a mutual good friend. We sat outside until 1 am still wearing next to nothing – how wonderful to be able to do that in the UK. Indeed after the third bottle, C and I plunged into the hammock where we performed, perfectly in our drunken haze, a synchronised swimming routine with just legs sticking out. So brilliant to laugh and laugh with only the owls to disturb. J as always indulging us and amusedly supporting our crazy antics.

After a bacon sandwich breakfast I reluctantly leave to join my family for a picnic by the river. Everyone rather silent in the spectacular heat, dog a little bit of a concern, we arrive at the river and I am the first to take the plunge into the brown and slightly scummy water. Warm as a bath but surprisingly high water, the others all soon join me, dog included.  Much refreshed senses of humour and conversation return and we enjoy our sandwich picnic.  Ex hub forgot that I can’t eat bread so I pick out the salami with a smile! Also forgot that children don’t like mayonnaise so they wear the same smile.

Incidentally,  I use the word ‘family’ consciously because although we are divorced we will always be a family.  The unpleasantness is between us as a married or not married couple and not the four of us. Hope that doesn’t sound sanctimonious- it is meant as an explanation. 

Later that evening I return to my house to herd cats. With the help of the magnificent Saint Jane, she catches one where it has been reclining on her bed and brings it in while I quickly shut doors and windows and cat flaps. Then I stay and try to calm that one while SJ returrns to collect the other one from her flower bed and we do the same. Quick patting and cooing and I squeeze myself out of the one inch gap in the door as we leave them in for collection next morning. Return for penultimate episode of Stranger Things with Child 2.

Next morning, set my alarm very early and creep out of house to await delivery of skip between 7.30-8 but no sign. Lovely neighbour brings me cup of coffee and as it doesnt comeI ring to be told not coming until 9.30, grr! So rush into Ledbury for jobs and quick writing of blog in cafe. Phone rings at 8.30 with skip man saying I am just dropping off.! GRR! Try to explain on phone exactly where it has to go, now feel agitated and must go and see where he has left it.  Hopefully not across the garage where the work men who start tomorrow will need access.  Oh the joy! Must go and catch cats and endeavour to stuff into baskets head first before driving screaming to cattery. 

but I don’t, I feel too British at a time like this. I think we are going to have to get better.

Today I had a lie in, very nice too and a cool breeze on my tousled head. Off to mine casa for the carpets to be removed. One very nice but exhausted man to do the whole house, he nearly melted into my underlay! Discovered two of the stairs are not in fact attached and therefore dangerous so messaged Marvellous Matt the builder to ask him to add it to his long list of jobs. Lucky I checked as I had thought start date was Monday but in fact it’s Tuesday so I need quick rearrangement. I will be there Monday for new skip and to round up cats to take to cattery which should be fun. Saint Jane, next door, has the knack of capturing unwilling cats which I have not mastered. I need to video us with Benny Hill music as soundtrack. 

Incidentally we had a much better evening all together last night, we managed after about two hours to cook the frozen chicken legs and barbecue some nice burgers, with that and salad and the children throwing a stuffed rat to each other while a bat flew around their heads, it was much more pleasant.

Sad to see the death of Olivia NJ, I went to Canada aged 16 when Grease came out and all of the cousins went to see it about five times. A beautiful woman who helped many others with breast cancer. Respect.

Stay hydrated lovely people, top tip – freeze bottles of water each night, sip them all day and take in car, lovely.

Well that didn’t go according to plan! First evening spent all together at Ex hub’s house and I arrive sweaty and tired about 6pm, the men having been there all day, some nervous anticipation all around. Greeted by child 3 walking away with dog and not acknowledging my honk on the horn. Greeted by mine host having left to go and see friends for a drink and some business. I am reassured by Child 2 that he will be back and insists on cooking. Knowing me pretty well she pours me a vodka and T (brought with me) and I sit on my own garden chair in lovely peaceful garden with dog. No sign of Him so wander into kitchen and uncover a plate on the side with (shock horror) frozen chicken legs – defrosting slowly! Beginning to feel the hysterico passio rising I get my phone and order a take away. Just as I am about to set off to collect He arrives and is not pleased when I burst into tears and say I am tired and hungry, turns on heel, collects take away and we sit around massive mounds of food which we all pick at in complete silence. Attempted bursts at conversation disappear into the ether. Methinks this is going to be a long 12 week visit. Hugs and apologies follow and the children cheer up, Oh dear the things we do to them!. I am not proud of my hissy fit but also feel a little bit justified as it is late by now. I could write a book about marriage and divorce and the effects it has on children – maybe I should.

Much activity followed this debacle, everyone rather loud and extra cheerful. I suggested we play Twister but luckily we don’t have it. Ex hub scurried about making room in a drawer in the boot room for my knickers and knick knacks, Child 2 busied herself arranging and rearranging plants in her room, Child 3 rather silent retreated to world of his own in bedroom. I made up sofa bed and lay with my own white duvet and sheets pulled up to my chin feeling odd. Still awake at 3 I can hear screaming fox cubs running about the road and wonder if they are about to leap through my window. As all floors upstairs are wooden there is much creaking and shuffling, you can hear every word from every room – interesting!

Up at 7 this morning to return to boxed up house of my own where I have a corner for my computer and just hope all this will be worth it. More coffee and biscuits for lovely men.